Read all about 'it' in the Noobspaper, it's on the computer, so you can't use it as toilet paper!

Noobspaper Contents: Gold Trim Bronze Armer, Emperor Proven Man, Noobsquad's 1st Kill, Blow Up Noob Dolls, Lessons In Lycanthropy, Velcro Pads Update, Announcements & Events, No Proper Names, and a bag of free Jogre nuts.

Gold Trim Armer Finally Released!>

~ Noobs celebrate by killing 100,000 chickens ~ It's officially here! The Gold Trimmed Bronze Armer specially for Noobies! You obtain these items from the Treasure Trail by killing chickens.

"And you have to kill a lot of chickens!", says Turkeyman234, "I thought I could coral them and do a Legolas one-arrow-through-20-necks, but I realised I wasn't blonde enough."

And hey check this out Noobies, the gold trim gives an extra 400k gp to your stats! Enhance your gold trim by wearing gold boots and gloves...available from your local friendly psychopathic wolfman. Jaggedex states this item is NOT available in the shops, although they are open to bribery. They also state the trimming is NOT gold leaf, it is is PURE, SOLID, 24 carat gold paint.

'Don't dis' the bronze, 'Cos your hanging with the Fonz!'

Asked if they feel any guilt about killing humans and animals for materialistic reward, a group of Noobs with pink hair, eye patches and what appeared to be cattle horns on their heads told us

"Like duh, thems is not real! Thems are just bags of bones and bloods walking round, pretending to be alive! We likes to put useless mammals to good providing us with stuff that makes us feel good for 10 seconds...before we throws it all and goes down the pub, to lounge about in the snooker hall drinking beer for months on end."

Jaggedex states that it no way encourages the indiscriminate slaughter of passers-by, but if they can't defend themselves from lvl 123's, it's their own fault, for being lazy.

By Spooksprings, (J.M.B. 2004) With All The Trimmings, reporter on assignment.

Emperor Spooksprings Proven To Be A Man!
~ Women celebrate with worldwide fertility rituals ~

Emperor Spooksprings, led into a cunning trap by Necromancers, deviants, Zamorakians and eaters of the dead, earlier today armed with only a lunch box and a flask of tea, on the promise of a fight with the KBD, was leapt upon by the Giant Strangle Vine of The Underworld from under the ground! Emperor Spooksprings decided to run to his rescue to save himself, and fought bravely for HOURS with his penknife and secateurs.

"I was down to my last cucumber sandwich! I could feel my knees beginning to bow, and my mind digressing into a black morass of nothingness!", exaggerates Emperor Spooksprings, well known for his ponchance for peanut butter surprises, "But then, I felt a great surge of energy at the realisation that I'd left a turkey in the oven, so I slam dunked the Triffid with a final snip at it's central xylemic artery!"

Emperor Spooksprings, along with his vast array of medals and titles, now gets to bear the Golden Hoe of the Green Man, a very privileged title which entitles him to any girl or women on a whim.
"It's unlikely I'll take up the offer, the female species is very rare on Planet Noob."

Spooksprings is 21 years old and owns a mullet.

Noobsquad Makes It's First Kill!
~ 1st Pk kill for the Boys In Bronze in 100 years ~

Stunned disbelievers in the power of the Noobsquad and it's ability to do anything rational or sensible in the Noobscape world, have been proved WRONG, as Noobsquad makes it's first pking of a pker in the pk fields of the dusty deserts of death this week!

"Omg! I am so elated, I've been drooling for the blood of my first pk sacrifice for YEARS!", says Cambodian, 12, King of Cabbages, frothing at mouth, "We have trained in bronze for CENTURIES, and NEVER made a single pk of a pker...but Spooks had his lucky gold socks on, and I had just eaten one of xteargodsx baboon poop cakes, so we pownzeroized him with bronze axes!"

Some punk, thinking that he was lucky, making our day, yesterday!

Spookspring, Spooksprings's evil brother, and leader of the the ChoobSquad, states that he will take extra precautions in the wild in future by wearing lucky charms, and trainers that will make him run faster.

By Spooksprings (J.M.B. 2004), Noob, deceiving himself and others, into believing he is mightier than choobs by making the meek seem spectacular and glorious, and winning, on assignment.

Charity Appeal

New Blow Up Your Friends Skill!

Do you find RS2 very lonely, sometimes...depressing?! Well, fear the individuality no more! Jaggedex releases their new concoction to entice more Noobies into members, by the addition of these New Blow Up Noob Dolls! These life-size characters, which you can cloth and alter as you wish, will follow you wherever you go in Runescape!

Blow me! These new Noob friends are very realistic!

These top quality leather mannequins. inflated by Ogre Swamp Gas (TM), will NEVER leave your side, hold you hand, and utter phrases such as "Noobie loves you" ; "Uh oh, pkers" ; "I have to go log and poop!" and, "Will you be my frend?" These hand crafted 'so-life-like-they'll-fool-a-pker-while-you-can-run-off' dolls are available from the new Viking Craftsman, at only one million gp. Reports of Noob Dolls exploding and killing RS players while they enjoy a spot of shrimp cooking, have been circulated, but we had no reason to believe the scorched player with 3rd degree burns who told us, as he had no receipt to prove his purchase.

By Spooksprings (J.M.B. 2004) pumping his Noob up, on assignment.

Velcro Pads Agility Update
~ Is being stuck to a wall cheating, or merely coat-ist?! ~

Released this week, sometime next century, new experimental stick on Velcro pads were issued to Noobies who wish to level their agility skill. The aim is to help Noobs at low levels get over obstacles by throwing themselves, or being thrown, onto walls to give them a head start. But don't worry, the velcro makes them stick to the stonework! Plans are underfoot to develop the dwarf cannon to help with this skill, but a drunken dwarf told us "This isn't a f-f-f-flipping circus u nowe, hic!" Jaggedex are looking for volunteers to test the new velcro pads by throwing themselves off the Scorpions Gorge, onto the other side. "It's only a 300 foot drop, so they shouldn't be too badly broken if the velcro doesn't stick.", said a Jaggedex representative.

By Spooksprings (J.M.B.) 2004. Reporter, stuck to a 20 foot wall, somewhere in Varrock, on assignment.


Lessons In Lycanthropy!

Take a trip down to MysthaNooblin, new lands to the East, making sure you take your magic tuning fork, and you'll encounter a village, precariously under siege by foetid swamps on all sides. In all appearances a normal village, until you look at bit closer at the teeth of the men & women there and bother to talk to them before slicing them up...

When Men Turn The Other Cheek

It appears that the men of Runescape have had their fill of polite conversation with people, whom they know are out to slice and dice them and send them to the sausage factory, and aim to get tough on the industry of carnage before they are all extinct!

"We had a Brotherhood of Man meeting", says Man, level 2, with fangs, "and decided that playing on people's fears with nightmarish surprises was the best option, so turning into a werewolf when we are attacked has had much success! We even managed to frighten off that lezza, Duffy the Vampire Slayer!"

Sources say that Werewolves, despite fearsome legendary status, are NOT dangerous, unless they bite out your neck and drain you of blood.

These barking mad men, out in the mid day sun, will teach you all the insults a Runescape lvl 10 Slipknot Fan needs in his daily doings and loggings. So, do YOU have anything in common with these unfortunate beasts, touched by the tastes of the rabid moor hounds? Are YOU a were-man-wolf?! Take The Test!

1. Do you have excess hair growing in strange places (under armpits, between legs, on chest etc)?

2. Do others notice you frothing at the mouth and becoming frisky, mounting furniture and biting neighbours in a Full Moon Episode?

3. Do you bark back at dogs, chase them, steal their sticks, and slaver at the site of Chum on the Wal Mart Shelves?

4. When caught short, do you drop your kegs and empty your cargo in the middle of the street, oblivious to the gasps of the OAPs and your mother running toward you with a pooper scooper?

4. How loudly can you howl? Do It Now! Out Of The Window!

5. Do you play Runescape?!

If you have answered YES YES YES! to these six questions, you are a definitive, boney-fied, wirey-haired hound of the darkness, a blood sucking, night crawling, baby crunching lycanthropic werewolf, and you could do with a muzzle, while you play RS. And hey, these are MY bones, you walking floor-rug!!! If you answered NO NO NO! don't worry, we hear that turning into a vampires will become fashionable in the next update.

By Spooksprings (J.M.B. 2004), fanged, hairy, on assignment.


Noobsquad Free Educational Tours

We will take your cotton wool bound hamburgular spoilt children on FREE tours of dangerous beast invested dungeons! Molten lava lakes! Poisoned spider forests! Scammer infested markets! This is in order to at least frighten them out of their cotton socks! If they don't get frightened, we'll tie them up and tickle them, which ALWAYS has their little Noobie eyes bulging with disbelief! They'll be clinging to you like horse glue when they get home. Uncle Spooks, qualified in clouds, onion shaving and Crowmagnon Neolithicitism, will teach your Nooblets what they don't know and what he never needed to learn! Free bronze armor and shrimp snacks provided, provided someone falls in the water. Book Today, because we knowe stuff.

Announcements & Events


Noob Bridges: Saturday Fixtures: Shilo agility bridge. Stay on the bridge for 3 turns, and win the Bridge Ryder Cup. Jousting Tournaments: Random Choob offers open challenge to the Noobsquad Army. He'll be wandering round lvl 50 wildy multi combat with a skull, in the belief that Noobs can't touch his invincibility. Cake Off: XteargodX challenges all comers to a baboon poop cake making contest, entrants are advised that they may not squat and plop into a baking tray, they must use unfounded cooking science to make cakes that WILL go wrong in the oven by chance.

Heart Search:

Eccentric Noob, lvl 90, long haired stallion, hut dweller, dabbler in dark arts, Noob obsessive and prone to outbursts of comedic wisdom seeks similar, preferably himself, for looking in the mirror and drooling, and long hours contemplating global domination with a Noob army. Apply Draynor Manor Crypt. Duke, castle owner, in quiet seaside village, seeks concubine, preferably several, for house bound duties and fiddling of accounts, Hans need not apply. Tolerance of Lvl 3 beggars essential. Apply Lumby Castle.

Girl, 15, blonde, just left school, no job, running round like headless chicken looking for love, will latch onto the first boy that shows me kindness, or at least a flash of cash. Apply Fally Hairdressers, 2nd Floor.

Marriages, Deaths, Births

Births: Some ideas gave birth in Spooksprings head this week, baby said to be a bit foggy, needs more caffeine and beer. Ogre family, Joontung, celebrates birth of 48 babies this week from Father's incubatory pouch. Babies said to be in need of shave, but are a radiant shade of lime green.

Deaths: Some ducks died this week. It was their own fault. They were sitting on the river like moving targets in the fair, saying quack. We couldn't tell if they were real, and by the time we shot them, they were dead. Tributes to Brimhaven Restaurant, Table 6.


Noobsquad, Seers party Hall, Every Friday Night. Rating: *****. A bizarre heady mix of rock anthems, hip hop, nursery rhymes, and toe tapping, head banging, salsa swinging beats, that will raise the spirits, the eyebrows and the bronze skirts. Concerts may contain dry ice and nuts. No camping allowed. Hear a sample of their new hit single "Noobies, Noobies", HERE

By Spooksprings (J.M.B. 2004) Ringing your bells since 1350.

"Noobspaper" By Spooksprings (aka J.M.B.) 2004, all literary ideas original content, owned by J.M.B. All images edited or made by J.M.B, utlising graphics adapted from RPG, by kind permission of Jagex Ltd. All 'Runescape' names, quoted from Jagex's 'Runescape RPG'. All music and sounds by J.M.B. 2004. If you are a journalist and have journalised something using one of my journals, at least give me credit, prophecy doesnt come cheap u noe!